I’m finding those four words are very powerful in the vocabulary of a parent. I’m using them to help Trevor, my 3 1/2 year old son, make wise choices. “I’ll be happy to play with you after you wipe your fingers off. “ “I’ll be happy to give you a bedtime snack after you put away your puzzle.”
My husband and I are taking a Parenting With Love And Logic class through our church and we love the results. I read the book a while back and really liked it - in fact I have a guest blog on Star Tribune because I shared my enthusiasm for the book with a Star Tribune writer friend I have: http://www.startribune.com/blogs/90224152.html.
What we’ve noticed in particular is that Trevor hasn’t had a temper tantrum in quite a few days now because the structure he craves is in better place now and he is held responsible for his actions. For example, last week he was goofing off to avoid getting his teeth brushed during bed time and I told him, “bummer, you aren’t cooperating to get your teeth brushed so I won’t tell any Trevor stories tonight.” While that didn’t go over well, he’s become far more cooperative at bedtime because of that and losing some prized possessions such as his nightlight (“bummer, you played with your nightlight again which is very dangerous. Daddy and I will give it back to you when you are responsible enough to have one”).
I also really like our new approach for transitioning. For example, we used to count down before leaving a park - 10 minutes, 9 minutes, 8 minutes, etc. And then he would sometimes get bonus minutes and it wouldn’t always be a pretty ending because Trevor wouldn’t always agree that he was given enough bonus minutes. Now, I just note on my watch when it’s 10 minutes before we want to leave and ask him, “our time is almost up at the park, would you like to leave now or in 10 minutes?” Of course he picks in 10 minutes. When the 10 minutes is up, I say it’s time to leave and he comes without a fuss. Gotta love that!
It’s hard not to rescue Trevor all the time and I know it’s good for him so I’m letting him figure things out more when it’s safe for him to do so. For example, yesterday, we went for a walk - well, I walked and Trevor rode his bike. He rode up on the grass and instead of pushing him back off the grass I asked him what he could do to get unstuck. He got off, pushed his bike off the grass and got back on. I then said, “how does that make you feel to figure out how to get off the grass?” He said, “good.”
What Trevor is learning through all of this is to make wise decisions so that when he’s faced with life changing decisions when he’s older, he can make wise choices such as the son of one of the authors of the book: the author’s son wanted desperately to go a party when he was in high school and for whatever reason his dad wouldn’t let him take the car (a consequence for an action of his) and his dad suggested he have his friend take him. Suddenly the author’s son no longer wanted to go to the party and it came out that the friend liked to drink and his son didn’t want to get in the car with that friend (whose mom was a drill sergeant and didn’t teach his friend how to make wise choices). That party ended in tragedy because the friend drove himself and a carload of kids over a cliff in his drunkenness. If only he’d been given the chance to make wise choices when it wasn’t a matter of life and death; perhaps all of those kids would still be with us today.
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